I blog.

when I am unhappy, I blog.
when I am happy, I blog.
when I am bored, I blog.

Music revitalizes the soul but I should learn to focus on God instead of blogging, when I am feeling all these, lol..

but how do I find the strength in Him?
how do I help my friend when I don't know how to or am not strong enough to?
like what Grace said. how do you help the weak/other people when you're weak/not strong enough?

I guess everything's in the word, and in my decisions. and I just have to decide to follow Him earnestly.

this week I was rather affected by my friend and her choice.. so much so that I think my temper returned. I AP-ed like hell for small reasons. I was not as patient as before. I thought I have changed, but apparently, not fully so. my emotions are all over the place again. I let the emotions get to me, instead of I controlling it. and I am just tired.. SIP is boring me to death, and the supervisor is like in Pluto, while I am in planet Earth. its so hard to get to him man.

and sometimes it seems like there's nobody to turn to cos Sasha isnt here for me.. she's my closest friend which nobody ON EARTH, can replace I guess. those school frens, poly friends are all just too busy with their lives. "MIA-ed". this is a true testing of independence, lol. and perhaps this is good because I have planned for this to be a period of bible and truth/God discovery lol.

I guess I havent discovered the positive benefits/healing of seeking and r/s-building of God.. which I need to find. but of course, that takes a lot of discipline, and also a choice, as to how I want to plan my time. I need to be strong when nobody's seems to have time for me, or be here for me.

and how can you say "how can you feel helpless or unhappy when you're helping people?"
that reply simply just made it worse.
but after today, after talking to Grace, I realised, why not?
I guess you just don't understand.
I can just cry listening to other's people's life problems, or looking at those poor people.. those hunched-back uncles and aunties, those physically/mentally handicapped. I just feel sad for them..
so on this, I felt sad my friend chose the other way. and the worse thing is I let it affect me..
and you said you'd make an impact.. can you really?

I was thinking about somethings recently. like I think some people fast because somewhere else in this world has no food right, but just a thought.. instead of recurringly fasting (more than 1 time- like ok lah, a few times to get to know how tough it is/how other people are suffering), why can't people like make a donation or something. or donate their food/ dedicate the money they saved on fasting to help those people for other countries? =/ I was thinking why this phenomenen haven't happen.

man, I seek solace in my journal. wanted to blog about my friend but I'm just too tired and sian.these days after SIP all I want to do is slack.

and man, I think some people read my journal. too many then intended. and I just don't like people I don't really know to read it because sometimes I sound so stupid haha.