And age and fears catches up on us, all.

Back from KL and it's good to be back! Felt like blogging =D so, here I am!
I'm glad to be back to the comfort of my own bed, away from wet/dirty toilets, being copped up in the buses for 4.5 hours, to KL and back, wishing I have 2 bladders instead of one, and doing things like drinking less water or telling myself to take a nap and hibernate, so I won't wanna pee so bad..

But despite all that, plus the long waiting time (lucky I have my IPod with me!) because it's a MLM company sponsored/point rewarded trip to visit the new HQ, I enjoyed it.
I was happy to have spend time with my mom and to find out about somethings (although some are really random):

Firstly, I realised that I can recognise my mom from the back from her demeanor.. amongst a sea of aunties wearing same protective clothings for hygiene at the factory tour. I also realised she can't really taste well and that she's real pro at packing, squeezing things into the luggage.

Secondly, I realised I do have some weird/fearisome thoughts (that explained later*) of dying/worst case scenarios (Does that make me paranoid or a worrier?)

Fourthly, dad's always traveling, under the hot sun, so much from his job. Mom had followed him in his car before, and after that, she got a headache and that she couldn't stand it.. I felt quite bad hearing that though he's used to it. That dad toiled so hard for us, his family. And then I remembered this saying that states "It's a privilege to be able to take care of your parents". I agree. Not everyone can do that. And as I remember this saying, I pondered if they didn't really provide and aren't there at least, sufficiently enough for me in my growing years, whether I would even say this. After all, as an adult it's easy to be displeased. To want things.

What more an insensible child. I wasn't really a happy kid then and I'm not so now either. But I know I am lucky to be from a normal enough, intact family, and that when I'm complaining and wishing that we're closer as a family, I shouldn't let that affect me so much, and stop being envious and always comparing myself to others.

At the end of all that thinking, I thought, "I really NEED to grow up now".. I'm 22!
It's easy to get lost in the pace of life, think "oh I'm still young I can make mistakes!" but do I really wanna do that and regret? Feel shortchanged at the end of it all? I know, from now on, I should stop being so dependent on others. I should have a mind of my own too as well. There's just so much to improve. I'm at my prime age, and yet I am not living as I want to. I fall short of my expectations I set myself. I give up too easily. If I live like that any longer, when I'm supposingly having the most energy, what about later?

So many things I've got to get used to and change.
Everything changes, when I'm out of school.
And I know I should not be the old childish Iris anymore.
I would have to find work and decide on a career path, start saving when I work, give money to parents and at the same time, juggle the wants/expectations I have of myself, find personal growth, experience while maintaining the friendships, relationships I have. All that will grow harder with work cos that means having little time to myself. As I thought about that, I find it ironic. How ironic it is, when you're young you have the energy and time but no money, but when you're old, you have more money but no time or energy.. Time.. that is of the essence.. We all, we only live once. Now's the Only Time, you know?

Yet you can't have everything. It's scary. To grow old. Having to face all that.
So many responsibilities! I try not to get overwhelmed. OMG, wrinkles? Fine lines that shows my seniority in life? In life experiences? No thanks! (I don't wanna grow old! I can't imagine waking one day to see I have my first wrinkle like how I discovered I had my first armpit hair recently!) Oh!! I gotta buy supplements! And there's so many clothes/bags I want to buy! Clothes.. I know.. I have to make wise choices, on my shopping. Probably churn out internet shopping for good, and invest in quality sophisticated clothes, comfortable clothes that can bring me from work to outside, clothes I'm confident in, not those cheap internet bargain buys. I am determined.. To not spend my stuffs on useless stuffs anymore - just a bag and clothes for work and I'm happy I think?

The list goes on and on! And all I have are thoughts that needs to be gathered.
Things to be done.
Things I want to do.
All that, and no solid action plans. They're all kinda in the "Zilch" Factor.. how do I organise that?

Sigh..

And.. about the trip.. To sum it all up, well, with this trip being with my mom and middle-aged aunties and uncles, I imagined I would be anti-social or like =/ really "erhmmss" about their auntieness, but I wasn't. The karaoke-ing singing auntie bus idea didn't come true. And this trip was surprisingly interesting because besides the thoughts that were going through my head, I got to see the factory production process. Lotsa tasks are automated, but there's lotsa manual labor involved too (So I guess robots aren't replacing us soon a la I Robot).. So 100% automation is not wide-spread or even possible (I don't know) yet..? The last I heard, scientists says even the most advanced robots have the intelligence of well, a cockroach. (Are cockroaches not that intelligent? What would be their IQ? But well, cockroaches should be quite smart considering they outlived lotsa prehistoric creatures?!!)
All that hard work I see from the workers made me think about the source of the products I take for granted.
The effort put inside each and every product. It was marvelous just like life itself.

And I know I sound weird. But I am. During this trip, I discovered I have some weird feelings/fears too.
In the factory tour we have to cover most of our body parts for hygiene so we won't contaminate the products produced. Shower Cap? Check. White LONG robe covering bag? Check. Plastic bag covering shoes? Check. It reminds me of the other time I went for something like that too. For a tour. I think it was an educational tour to an incinerator. Or some tour of a science lab (think at Singapore Poly).

Before the tour, I felt abit tensed when I was in the room separating us into the other room. Mainly because it resonates the scene in Schinder's List where the people waited for the next moment and the door was closing with the "DEHHH DEHHH!!!!!" sound. If I was a POW traumatized and scared of closed spaces, I would probably have died or clawed my way out. It was scary because if my imagination ran a little wilder than if I have restricted it, I would think we're all gonna be poisoned to death via breathing in carbon monoxide released from the wall ventilation, haha. Hence I was tensed. And yes, I'm so retarded..

And so that's what I mean about my second point above.
For the trip, I wish I could see more places, shop more .. A pity I didn't get to take the Health/Fat Analysis checks. That would be more interesting.

So in summary, for the trip, besides getting a perspective, I managed to shop at Bukit Bintang - Sungei Wang Plaza (with my mom paying for my buys which includes a dress, shoes, belt, innerwear), Cocoa Boutique, Jalan Pertaling Chinatown, stay at Grand Season Hotel (with a view of the Twin Towers!) watching Flash Forward and Gossip Girls at the wee hours in the morning and later, "wash my ass" after pooing, with the turn of the knob - so the toilet bowl washed it for me, see the production process of a MLM company, discover my weird thoughts/fears (which includes the fear of sitting at the back of the bus and dying. Fearing if there's an accident, I'd be the first to die).

I also have new found respect for MLM aunties though I dislike MLM and would probably not get into it ever (but I applaud their hard selling and perseverance that enabled them to go on such trips), so the 2 days, was well spent, I would say. It was a breather (except the toilets) from Singapore =)